Me No Speak Icelandic

During my weekly routine of browsing of random blogs, I came across a fantastic new travel companion: Me No Speak travel phrase books.

It's a brilliantly simple concept for a phrase book -- instead of stumbling through a broken sentence in a complex language that you will undoubtedly butcher, you just point to a picture of something in the book -- like an ATM machine for example -- and hope a nice person can point one out for you. A picture speaks a thousand words, right? Another example: If you're in a restaurant in China and you really just want chicken in garlic sauce (i.e. no surprises) but you don't speak "Chinglish" then you can just point to it in the special "menu" section of the "Me No Speak Chinese" book and the waiter will see the translation in Chinese. Or you could just find the nearest McDonald's.

Me No Speak books are generally designed as a basic survival tool for tourists with no concept of the foreign language in a country where English may not be widely spoken. Therefore, the books are limited to a handful of Asian countries at this time. Unfortunately, they have not yet broken ground in Europe.

What if Iceland had it's own "Me No Speak" guide? Of course I realize that most Icelanders speak excellent English (among several other languages) but what if that wasn't the case or what if some Icelanders just don't feel like speaking English with the fucking stupid tourists?

Here are a few illustrations* that may help those stupid tourists in Iceland:

1) Seeing as all tourists have read Michael Lewis's article in Vanity Fair as research for their trip to Iceland, then they know that in a small country like Iceland where everyone is related by blood, all Icelanders know Björk personally and can tell you where she can be found:


2) Here's something useful for those situations when you realize that the prepubescent cashier at the discount grocery store just charged you triple-price on the receipt:

3) And if you are so fortunate to speak with an employee (who gives a shit) who was born before 1997, then make sure to ask about their produce selection:

4) Finally, no trip to Iceland would be complete without a desperate impulse-purchase of overpriced, weather-appropriate attire (because "summer" here has a different meaning than in your country):

*The author wishes to acknowledge that these homemade illustrations are complete bullocks, and that the Icelandic translations may not be entirely grammatically correct due to the author's complete lack of interest and focus in Málfræði class. The author also wishes to point out that this blog entry, like almost everything else in this blog, is oozing with sarcasm. The author encourages those who are unable to comprehend sarcasm to exit this site immediately and either visit a neurologist to schedule a scan of the right ventromedial prefrontal cortex or watch an episode of 'American Idol'.

The Real Expat Experience

Life as an expat in a foreign country can be extremely frustrating at times. This picture adequately sums up that feeling:



Sometimes, being an expat can seem like everyday is a nightmare in which you're trapped at the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV).

This too shall pass.

A Public Service Announcement, and Other Random Goodies

1) PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
This is an impassioned plea to certain middle-aged male patrons of World Class gym in Hafnafjörður: PLEASE WASH YOUR PUTRID, FOUL-SMELLING WORKOUT CLOTHES ONCE IN A WHILE. Or kindly ask your wife or housekeeper to do it. I know you must own your own washing machine because you probably live in Garðabær. I am merely trying to run 8 or 9 km on this treadmill so for the next 60 minutes I have no choice but to inhale deeply. I would probably be able to breathe easier and therefore run more efficiently if you, the pungent guy on the treadmill next to me, did not smell like a combination of mildewy hiking socks (that were forgotten in a plastic bag for over a month in a warm place) and soiled nursing home diapers (for god's sake, man, why do you smell like poo?). Your festering body odor has invaded my personal space, and for that I feel violated. I can't wait until the weather improves so I can run outside...

2) Vanity Fair Smackdown
Remember that Vanity Fair article by Iceland's favorite new author Michael Lewis? His article sparked debates and criticism among Icelanders in the newspapers, blogs and Facebook, as well as providing coffee shop patrons in Reykjavik a new subject about which to rant.

Although many Icelanders channeled their rage and penned scathing responses to Mr. Lewis and Vanity Fair, perhaps the most surprising defense came from an article published in New York Magazine this week by none other than Mr. Jonas Moody, an immigrant who was recently screwed out of unemployment benefits after being laid off from his job in Reykjavik. (It takes a big person to defend a country that wants you to leave.)

3) Speaking of Immigrants...
A well-intentioned new media campaign to "celebrate multiculturalism and combat prejudice" has been launched this week in Iceland by the Icelandic Human Rights Center. It corresponds with Europe's Action Week against Racism. The campaign, which thanks immigrants for choosing to live in Iceland and for their cultural contributions, will run for the next few weeks on TV, newspapers, web sites, and buses.

I first caught glimpse of one of these commercials earlier this week while watching Skjár Einn. I noticed something wasn't right because the ad was in Spanish and a big "Gracias" displayed on the screen. "What was that about?" I asked my boyfriend. "It's some sort of ad thanking foreigners for living here." he replied. I laughed. Later in the week, I saw another ad in what I think was Thai.

In light of everything going on in Iceland lately and the 9% unemployment rate, these ads seem suspiciously like Hallmark "going away" cards.

4) Hunting the Húldufólk
If you read the Vanity Fair article, then you know that not only do Icelanders enjoy blowing up Range Rovers, but they also believe in elves. Learn more about your new hobby, elf-spotting, in Slate's "Elf Detection 101".

5) Pubic Hair Sociology
According to the article "Kannaði leyndarmálin í kvennaklefum" in the March 18 edition of Fréttablaðið, Reykjavík's free daily paper, Icelandic student and swimming pool enthusiast Yrsa Þöll Gylfadóttir observed some differences in ladies' pubic hair preferences between downtown pools and suburban pools. To sum it up: suburban ladies are meticulously waxed (as if to match their meticulously modern, expensive condos), whereas the downtown ladies (who more likely reside in those cute little colorful 101 apartments) tend to be a bit more au naturel.

There's no word yet on any noticeable differences in mens'..er..hairstyles.

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A nicer way of saying the customer service sucks

According to an article today in MSNBC Travel, Iceland's recent economic implosion -- while good for the tourist's wallet -- does show some strain in the hospitality sector:

"You may encounter some unwanted side effects, however. Unemployment rates in Iceland are soaring for the first time in a long time, and undoubtedly some of these newly jobless folks are staffing the hotels, restaurants, rental car counters and stores you hope to visit. As a result, a four-star hotel may not quite have four-star service. If you face this situation, keep in mind that you are paying $108 to stay at the Hilton, and that expectations may need to be tempered somewhat. "

At least MSNBC, unlike Fox News, is able to put the riots in a realistic perspective:

"You may also witness strikes, protests and other public demonstrations, particularly in the city centers where a lot of tourism focuses. In most cases, tourists will not be of particular concern for protesters..."

Treat your fever with a book

I bought six books today, all lovely fiction novels, for 5.990 ISK. Looking at the receipt I was surprised that only 7% of that total, 392 ISK, went towards VAT (Value Added Tax).*

The 7% VAT rate also applies to food from the grocery store.** Food is generally regarded by civilized societies as essential to daily health and well-being -- hence the low rate.

Most other non-essential items and services are taxed at a 24.5% rate. You read that right -- a whopping 24.5%. That means when you shop at the grocery store and are forced to pay 15 ISK per plastic bag (p.s. you have to bag your own groceries), you are taxed 24.5% on each bag. If you don't feel like going to the grocery store, you can go to a fast food restaurant...and pay 24.5% VAT. Or if you buy an Icelandic wool sweater for 10.000 ISK, 2,450 ISK goes towards VAT.*** Now imagine you're buying a car. Or don't. It's too painful.

But why are prescription drugs and OTC medications taxed at 24.5%?**** Yes, birth control is taxed at 24.5% (but a baby will grant you a hefty monthly tax credit!). Asthma inhalers are taxed at 24.5%. OTC medications are also taxed 24.5%.

Let's say you have a fever. You don't really feel like driving, but you go out of your way to the pharmacy to buy Panodil (paracetamol). Do you really want to buy Panodil? Is it enjoyable, like a cashmere sweater or an Audi R8? No, it is merely essential to help calm the symptoms of your illness, which you did not want in the first place. Some asshole at work got you sick and now the government of Iceland wants to punish you with a 24.5% VAT.

You should have just bought a book. Duh.

*FYI -- price tags on items already include the sales tax, so at least you don't get the added shock at the register like in the U.S.
**Iceland's VAT (Value Added Tax) rates are listed here.
***Tourists, keep your reciepts for the VAT refund!
****Health services, such as doctor visits, are exempt from the 24.5% VAT

Fox News declares Iceland "Dangerous Destination"

OMG! Iceland is, like, a travel risk!

You can't go anywhere these days....not Mexico, not India, not even Iceland.

According to Fox News, Iceland is now a travel risk due to the "economic collapse" and the incessant "rioting". Right...because you might get caught up in a riot and get skyr thrown at you. (WTF!?) As you surely already know, you can trust anything from Fox News because they are America's "fair and balanced" news source. (So if CNN and MSNBC say Iceland is safe, don't believe it!) But look on the bright side -- there are a lot of "hot, broke women". (Probably mousy-haired and lumpy though...) So fellas, you might just get lucky if you wave a few greenbacks around. Here kitty kitty kitty...

Catch the Fox News clip here. Or see the Icelandic news coverage of this story here.

HELPFUL SAFETY TIPS FOR TRAVELERS: If you absolutely MUST travel to Iceland, make sure to wear some safe clothing that is constructed especially to repel airborne dairy products. Furthermore, foreign menfolk should avoid potential gang-rape situations in bars by not wearing anything "luxurious" that might draw the attention of horny, broke Icelandic women. Please be aware of your surroundings at all times.

Today's Random Updates and Tidbits

1) Today is Friday the 13th [gasp!]. So far nothing out of the ordinary has happened, although I did have a weird dream this morning about a high school reunion.... (Let's classify that as "scary")

Historically Friday the 13th has been a good luck day for me. Once, when I was in elementary school, our bus broke down one mile from the school and we had to wait 45 minutes for another bus to come and bring us to school. Hypothetically, we could have just walked the mile but that was against the bus company and/or school district safety policies. We missed all of first period and I was quite content with that.

2) It is currently snowing. I wouldn't call it a blizzard, but it's a proper dose of flurries at the moment. Sadly, it will probably only last 15 minutes. That's weather for you in Iceland. Snow is extremely beneficial to Iceland. (A) The damn country is called "ICEland" so one expects to see a blanket of white covering everything. (B) Snow makes the mountains looks bigger and more imposing, which is important because the mountains here actually aren't that tall. (C) Snowy days tend to be much less windy, which is nice when you're trying to open your car door without it ripping off its hinges or smashing into the car next to you. (Just one of the many reasons to drive a cheap, used car here.)

3) The mysterious visitor from "state.gov" is not Hillary Clinton after all as I mentioned last week in the post "Hillary Clinton is Reading My Blog". It was a nice thought. But hey, I'm still glad to have "state.gov" as a reader (as long as they try to convince Mrs. Clinton to come and at least try the hot dogs here.)

4) Reykjavik is cheap now...only if you're a tourist. According to Economist, Reykjavik dropped from #5 most expensive city to #67 among 132 cities. Tokyo, Osaka, Copenhagen, Paris, and Oslo are now the top five most expensive cities in the world. Karachi, Pakistan is the cheapest.

5) If you're an out-of-work Icelander, the Canadian province of Manitoba wants you. I'm just wondering if they will take out-of-work American Iceland-residents too.

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Obey the Viking Mullet!

This fine, shiny mullet belongs to none other than Jón Ásgeir Jóhannesson, one of Iceland's corrupt millionaires and Range Rover enthusiasts. The New York Post today called him a "flaxen-maned Viking" and "known for his heavy-metal haircut". C'mon, I know you're trying to imagine him in a viking helmet and a Metallica t-shirt right now. No one back home in Wisconsin believed me when I told them that mullets (aka "Wisconsin Waterfalls") exist even in Iceland. Although unlike in Wisconsin, the Icelandic mullets don't reside in trailor parks but in multi-million dollar penthouses. Amazing but true!

Apparently, excessive hair bestows rich men with great power ego -- like in Samson and Delilah.

But don't you think that if you were rich, you could afford a good hair stylist?

Try telling that to Donald Trump.


Or Phil Spector.

It's Reykjavík. It's Saturday Night. What Do I Wear?

1) First of all, start by studying the Michael Kors collection from the Mercedes Benz show at Fashion Week 2009:


You probably can't afford it, but that's the point. Look like you can't afford your clothes.

2) It's cold so you will need a warm hat. Might I suggest this lovely neon fur trapper hat from the Michael Kors 2009 collection. ('80s sunglasses optional, but always a nice touch.) Fur trapper hats like this are all the rage in Iceland at the moment, and anything or any color reminiscent of the 1980s is always in vogue in Iceland. (2009 is depressing - so it's nice to be nostalgic about the 1980s, i.e. the "decade of excess". Not to be confused with 2007.)


If you're a guy, then you might feel more manly in this warm thermal mask from American Apparel:



3) A neon hat is nice, but you will feel totally out of place at a club like Nasa if you don't have shiny stretchy pants. This pair below is from American Apparel but you can find these in several other shops in the Reykjavik metro area (seriously):


4) As for your upper half, just try to think in terms of "What Would Mary Kate Olsen Wear?"


Or, just wear an over-sized flannel shirt. That is the kreppafabulous thing to do these days. Trust me -- it will look f***ing awesome with the shiny leggings. (Flannels are easily found now in most overpriced Reykjavik second-hand boutiques). Yes, I know that this would involve blending '80s and '90s fashion. **The first rule of Icelandic fashion is there are no rules.**


5) If you are wimpy (or a foreigner) and feel that you need a coat because of the freezing weather, then by all means make it fabulous - like this item from Dolce & Gabbana:


6) Just like the infamous rug in The Big Lebowski that "tied the room together", a good pair of shoes should also tie your look together. What better shoes to top off your fab-o outfit than these "cage ankle boots" from YSL (for a bargain price of $1,590 from Saks!):


C'mon people, let's try not to dress like tourists!!

Hillary Clinton is reading my blog

According to my SiteMeter stats, sometime during the day of March 5th, 2009, someone from domain name "state.gov" (US State Department) in Washington D.C. landed on my blog. (They were bored waiting for morning briefings?) I've had a visit before from "CDC.gov" and that was just scary. But this is pretty cool.

Said State Dept. employee remained on the site for 40 minutes -- no doubt analyzing the threat level that this little terrorist country poses to US interests both domestically and abroad. In response, let me just say Welcome, Secretary Clinton to the "Icelandish" blog! I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading the interesting tidbits about expat life in Iceland. Hopefully you have been convinced to make a diplomatic visit to this damaged island and maybe even rescue some of the unemployed, broke-ass US expats here (Hello, yes, me. Raising my hand.)

Your husband Bill visited Iceland in 2004 and made quite a stir when he bought a hot dog from the revered hot dog stand called Bæjarins Beztu (translated to "Town's Best") by the old Reykjavik harbor. To this day, there is still a photograph of him hanging inside the booth and a hot dog named after him. If you visit, you will undoubtedly have a hot dog named after you as well. Might I suggest that you try one "með öllu"?

Required Weekend Reading

If you haven't already, you must read "Wall Street on the Tundra" by Vanity Fair writer Michael Lewis. I believe it has been published in the recent April edition. It's a bit long, but quite amusing.

One fair warning: if you're Icelandic you should prepare to be offended.

Some noteworthy excerpts from the article:

"Iceland instantly became the only nation on earth that Americans could point to and say, “Well, at least we didn’t do that.”..." (regarding the bank failures in October 2008)

"I try to think up a metaphor for the world’s expanding reservoir of defunct financial corporate sponsorships—water left in the garden hose after you’ve switched off the pressure?—but before I can finish, the man in the seat behind me reaches for his bag in the overhead bin and knocks the crap out of me. I will soon learn that Icelandic males, like moose, rams, and other horned mammals, see these collisions as necessary in their struggle for survival....." (observation from his initial flight from Scotland to Iceland for the story interviews)

"Tall, white-blond, and handsome, Olafsson looks exactly as you’d expect an Icelander to look—which is to say that he looks not at all like most Icelanders, who are mousy-haired and lumpy....." (upon meeting a handsome Icelandic 26-year old former trader)

"The best way to see any city is to walk it, but everywhere I walk Icelandic men plow into me without so much as a by-your-leave. Just for fun I march up and down the main shopping drag, playing chicken, to see if any Icelandic male would rather divert his stride than bang shoulders. Nope. On party nights—Thursday, Friday, and Saturday—when half the country appears to take it as a professional obligation to drink themselves into oblivion and wander the streets until what should be sunrise, the problem is especially acute...." (Musings on the local culture and nightlife)

"Because Iceland is really just one big family, it’s simply annoying to go around asking Icelanders if they’ve met Björk. Of course they’ve met Björk; who hasn’t met Björk?..." (commenting on the small population of the island)

"Icelanders are among the most inbred human beings on earth—geneticists often use them for research. They inhabited their remote island for 1,100 years without so much as dabbling in leveraged buyouts, hostile takeovers, derivatives trading, or even small-scale financial fraud..." (one of the comments most likely to piss off Icelandic readers)

"There’s a charming lack of financial experience in Icelandic financial-policymaking circles. The minister for business affairs is a philosopher. The finance minister is a veterinarian. The Central Bank governor is a poet. Haarde, though, is a trained economist—just not a very good one. The economics department at the University of Iceland has him pegged as a B-minus student...." (prelude to his meeting with former Prime Minister Geir Haarde)

There are plenty of other hilarious (or insulting -- depending how you look at it) observations in this article. Just try to avoid those mousy-haired, lumpy Icelanders after they've read it.

Finally some excitement at school!

No, the excitement I speak of is not due to my Icelandic classes. I could never, in all honesty, call those classes "exciting" or any other variation of that word. No, I believe a person could be flogged for that.

Yesterday's fun little spurt of excitement was caused by a wee bit of eco-terrorism in the student center during "Green Days", a week of environmental awareness masterminded by Gaia, the organization of Natural Resource Management and Environmental Sciences masters students at University of Iceland. Most of my friends (mostly foreigners like me) in Iceland are members of Gaia -- which is ironic because I myself tend to hate camping, overexposure to the elements, and inability to access a coffee shop with wifi. And I like impractical, cute shoes. Anyway, Gaia had organized "Green Days" as a week-long series of events including presentations, films, speeches, "organic drinks" tastings, and even a clothing swap at UI. It was going pretty smoothly until yesterday.

Apparently, some ultra-radical group decided they didn't care for the Icelandic energy companies who were asked to present information about sustainable energy at UI. (Iceland is famous among "green energy" enthusiasts because of the use of geothermal power -- powered by the volcanic gases bubbling beneath this tiny island) It was a simple ordeal: a few tables set up with candies, brochures, and various marketing tchotchkes. Suddenly, along came a couple of squat, black-hooded, masked individuals who swiftly ran up to the presenters and doused them with buckets of green skyr (skyr is like yogurt) and then ran off. A well-intentioned university employee tried to tackle one of the youthful terrorists, but was then pulled off by huge, dreadlock-laden viking who sort of resembled a young Rob Zombie. (Damn hippies!)

Mind you, this was in the student union around noon where hundreds of students were gathered around cafeteria tables snacking, gossiping, and basically just minding themselves as usual. We all watched dumbly in shock as this quick assault unfolded -- as if we couldn't make sense of what was happening. This kind of extremism is rather uncommon in Iceland. Rumor is that the radical attack was carried out by a crunchy group that seems otherwise harmless and hands out vegan food downtown on weekends. This is just speculation of course -- there are always conspiracy theories about anything newsworthy in Iceland.

Of course, in Iceland one can find humor in tragedy (ever read Halldor Laxness?). It is the coping mechanism built into the inhabitants of this uncompromising land. What I found most humorous is that news photographers showed up before the police. Typical Iceland. Others were not so humored. I felt awful for the presenters who had taken time out of their daily jobs to come and be covered with green goo. Their nice sweater dresses and suits and leather shoes caked in gooey sludge. Nasty slime in their coifed hair. (It reminded me of that '80s kids' show on Nickelodeon called You Can't Do That On Television except for no one was laughing.) Thankfully for them, skyr comes out of clothing pretty well. Unfortunately though, it stinks like hell. I want to barf whenever I smell dairy this week.

I give kudos to my friends in Gaia who organized this event and took charge of the mess (literally) after the incident occured. One of my brave friends grabbed the mic and successfully rallied volunteers to help clean up the goo since it was too much to handle for the 2 janitors on shift. I grabbed a wet rag and set about scrubbing the smelly green shit off the walls alongside my others friends, one a very efficient German and the other a fellow American "viking wife". Did I mention that skyr stinks when it covers a large area? Imagine a whole room smelling of sour milk and you get the idea.

In retrospect, if any student group is going to be attacked by smelly goo, then it might as well be the one organization on campus dedicated to keeping the earth (and the university floors) clean. Imagine the law students' club getting attacked by skyr. They would debate first for 3 hours about who's responsible for cleanup and the amount of damages to sue for. The philosophy students' club would contemplate the motive, then the theories governing the perceived reasons for the motive, and then digress into a conversation about Nihilism and along the way get themselves too stoned to clean up the mess. I'm telling you -- the Gaia people get stuff done!

You can catch the news coverage of the green goo aftermath (spoken in very sexy Icelandic!) here.

UPDATE: I'm proud to say that there were no dairy product attacks during any Gaia "Green Days" events today. The clothing swap went splendidly and I am now the owner of 2 new "gently-used" sweaters. ; ' ) But beware...the Green Goo Terrorists are still at large!